When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
