if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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