So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
