and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
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You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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