the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
