so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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