It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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