Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I am available for nakedness
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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