so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
