I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
