you guys were way drunker than both of me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
