i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
