I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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