I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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