Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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