I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
