omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
