I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
