Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
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