i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
