And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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