okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
