After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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