How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
