i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
