Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
