did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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