It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
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Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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