I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
