Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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