If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
