Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
