I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
