i need an iv and a liver transplant
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
