Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
