I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
