I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
