she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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