another moral hangover. fuck.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
