: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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