She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize