I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the condom got lost in my hair
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick