He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that