At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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