Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?