FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
