So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
