Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
