My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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