I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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