Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
