theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
