guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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