I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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