those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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