i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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