mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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