WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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