I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
