I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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