why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
